


So long Soldier

by classichysteria



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 23:23:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21044489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/classichysteria/pseuds/classichysteria
Summary: Alex loves Lisa. And Alex loves Noah.





	So long Soldier

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Saja/lightsideofyourroom for making me wanna complete this and creds to the ATL discord for the title.

On December 14th 1987 a boy was born in England, he grew up like normal, he played with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Pokémon and ran around pretending to be a superhero like any other little boy does. He played games with his cuddly toys and he played soccer too, he was just like every other boy. 

He moved to America when he was 6, he went through elementary just fine but middle school was where things went wrong,  
his name was Joseph Gillan, he sat next to Alex in English and had shaggy brown hair that fell to his eyebrows matched with a pair of dark blue eyes. All Alex wanted was to be his friend, he wanted to spend every second with him, he was so cool.   
Joseph didn't think much of Alex at first, Joe was a quiet boy, he kept to himself. He barely even noticed Alex until the second week of school when he forgot a pencil.   
"Hey, uh Alexander? Right?" He asked.  
Alex smiled, "yeah! Just Alex is fine though."  
Joe returned the smile, "can I borrow a pencil? I dropped mine in science and forgot it." He gave a small laugh.  
"Sure!" Alex pulled out a red pencil and handed it to the other boy, Joe was pretty sure he had fallen in love with Alex from that point on. Although, he'd of course never tell anyone, he'd never heard of a boy liking a boy before.  
Alex and Joe ended up being inseparable, Joe's parents were happy he had found someone new and they couldn't have cared less about his relationship with said "new person", they just wanted him to be happy and have friends, Alex's parents didn't think anything of him until a dinner with Alex's cousin, Lauren.   
"Lauren, you have to meet my friend Joe. He's the best." Alex said.  
Lauren laughed slightly, "what makes him so special?"  
"He's so cool, man. He's amazing at foot-soccer and he's so funny."  
"Half your life in America and you're still calling it football, well done Alex."

It was a few hours later and Alex was up in his bedroom doing god knows what and his parents and Lauren were in the lounge,  
"Do you think Alex is..... you know?" Lauren asked.  
"Gay? No. He can't be." Alex's dad replied.  
"He's taking a liking to that Joe boy though." Lauren added.  
"Honey, they're just friends." Alex's mom said, hoping that saying would mean believing. It's not that she hated gay people, she just didn't understand them, well more like she had only seen them on television. They were somewhat rare? Is that the word? Other people's kids might be gay but her's? He can't be.

Alex turned 13 halfway through 8th grade, Joe and him were closer than ever, they sat slightly too close, slept in the same bed, spent as much time as they could together. They kept the cuddles and literally-sitting-on-top-of-each-other to themselves, to locked bedrooms and shut doors.  
The first "date" they went on was to the cinema in January of 8th grade, they sat in the dark movie theatre, Alex's head lazily on Joe's shoulder.  
The months went past and Alex and Joe remained the same, they both liked it, being so close to someone. However it was later revealed Joe wouldn't be going to Alex's high school but another one, of course they'd still live near each other but it wouldn't be the same.

Alex's first day of high school came fast, he sighed as he plonked down in his arranged seat in his first class.  
He balanced his head on his left hand and kept his right in his hair, twirling it.   
"Hi I'm Jack!" A loud voice said from beside him.  
"Hi? I'm Alex?" Alex replied in confusion, the boy- Jack- had big, black hair and dark brown eyes.   
"I like your shirt! I love Tom so much." He said, admiring Alex's blink-182 shirt.  
"Thanks, mate, Mark is probably my favourite." Alex smiled, any blink fan is a possible friend.

Not long after Alex's birthday, he was at a park with Jack and a few of his friends, he was pretty sure the tall one was Andrew, Drew, the small one was Dylan, Dil and the one with the blue hair was Micheal, Mikey.  
They were laughing, making jokes, "did you see that new guy in math?" Drew laughed.  
"Yeah, he looked gay as hell." Jack laughed.  
"What? James Logansfield? He's gay as fuck." Mikey added.  
"Yeah, Jamie." Jack confirmed.  
"Alex you have to see him, you'll laugh. All his friends are girls." Drew said.  
"Don't kill me but what the hell does gay mean?" Alex asked, genuinely curious as he'd never heard that before.  
"It's a like something shitty." Dil answered although not sure himself.

In 9th grade Alex met a girl called Lisa, she was pretty, long, wavey hair, a bright smile and gorgeous eyes. She was funny and her laugh was dainty and feminine. She was the kind of girl that would make teenage boys drool.  
"Alex, Lisa really likes you and I think you'll like her too." Jack said to him on the first day as he introduced him to the girl stood near them in the canteen, then he moved on to the boy beside her, "he's Rian, Rian with an "i", he's the best drummer in the school. He could join our band!" He and Jack had planned to start a band, just like blink-182.

Within 6 months Jack and Alex had a band with that boy, Rian and another boy that Alex had yet to meet, Zack.  
They were back in the canteen, Rian was at band practice, Jack god knows where, leaving Alex and Lisa alone.  
"Alex? Can I tell you something?" Lisa asked.  
"Sure!" He grinned.  
Lisa took a breath and pushed a hand through her hair, "I like you a lot Alex, I always have, you're my best friend and I love you a lot and I was wondering if you'd like to be my boyfriend?"   
Alex panicked he loved Lisa and he though she was pretty, did that mean he liked her? "Yes." He answered, plastering a fake grin across his face.

10th grade was when Alex's family met Lisa, they sat around the table, Alex next to Lisa, his parents across from them and his cousin Lauren- who lived with them- at the head.  
His parents liked her, she was smart, bright and pretty. She was all they could've ever dreamed of for Alex, internally they breathed a sigh of relief that their suspicions were false.  
"See, Laur, you were wrong." His mom said once he was away and Lisa was gone.  
"He could just be faking it." Lauren added, raising an eyebrow, not one bone in her body believed her little cousin was straight.

Lisa, Rian, Zack, Jack and Alex were at a house party in Zack's neighbourhood, all 5 of them drunk out of their minds, Alex was in some bedroom, a blonde boy had him pinned to the bed.  
The boy leaned down and began making out with him, Alex freed his hands from the boy's grip, sliding them under his shirt, he pulled it off and tossed it to the side.  
The rest of the night was a drunk blur, Alex woke up on a staircase, with no pants on, someone else's t-shirt and an achy ass.   
He had cheated on Lisa.  
Although he hated himself for that, he felt worse about who he did it with, it doesn't take a genius to figure out Alex had fucked a guy.

Alex, Zack, Rian and Jack's band went on their first tour the next year, oh, and Lisa and Alex went to prom together.  
"Alex that shirt is gay." Jack said, pointing at the faded blink-182 shirt that was coloured a shade of pinky-red.  
"Leave him alone, it's just a t-shirt." Lisa said.  
Alex smiled at Lisa, "fuck off." He said to Jack, "you're the one who's fucking gay."  
Lisa kissed him on the cheek and Jack left, clearly annoyed Alex had called him gay. However, Alex did feel weirder kissing Lisa than he did ever doing anything with another boy.

All Time Low- their band- signed to a proper, slightly big, record label after that. And released their second ep, Put Up Or Shut Up.  
Alex didn't have feelings for Lisa anymore, but he didn't have the heart to break up with her so he continued feeling trapped with someone he didn't love- in that way. Lisa was kind, so so kind, she was funny, she was pretty. He just didn't have romantic feelings for her, he obviously still loved her. Who wouldn't?  
Alex also met a boy named Noah around this time, he was about his height, strong blue eyes and floppy brown hair that had been bleached. He was nice, he loved a band named Pansy Division more than life, Alex had never heard of them before, he also liked metal and knew so many cool people. He was almost as cool as Alex's childhood best friend, Joe.  
Noah was gay. He was sure of it, I mean, he'd never been interested in girls but hell, he'd definitely been always interested in boys. He'd always been interested in music scenes, everything from metal to punk, that's how he found himself a friend of All Time Low's Alex Gaskarth. Noah had never came out to anyone, even now in 2006 people were homophobic, he didn't understand it. It was a late night in September, Noah was sat on the lounge sofa on the bus, watching some random horror movie when Alex came striding in.  
"Hey Noah." He smiled, sitting down beside him and lifting his legs up so they were across Noah's lap.  
"Hey 'Lex." Noah responded.  
"How're you?" Alex asked, smiling fondly at him.  
"Good." He smiled.  
"I just don't get it, like do they even exist outside of bars and why don't they dress normally or sing about anything but fucking guys." The boys heard Jack say just outside of the bus.  
"Jack, blink are literally the heterosexual version of them." Zack replied to him.  
"Yeah but-" Jack stopped mid sentence, in defeat. "D-do any gay people actually like them? Don't they only listen to extreme dubstep." Jack picked up again.  
"Jack, I highly doubt that audience was straight." Rian laughed, opening the bus door. "Alex, Noah! Come here!"  
Both boys got up from their- clearly not heterosexual or platonic- position and headed from the back lounge to the entrance of the bus, where Zack and Rian were laughing and Jack was stood in confusion and mild frustration.  
"Jack just said normal gay people don't exist!" Rian laughed, Noah and Alex could tell the trio was more than slightly intoxicated.   
"I mean last time I checked I was pretty fucking normal." Noah laughed, attempting to ignore the extreme nerves.  
"I wonder if he likes me?" Alex thought although he promptly shut himself down, he isn't gay. He can't be.

It was now 2007, Jack had learned that in fact, gay people do exist outside of gay bars and they are in fact, normal. Noah and Alex kissed but never told a soul. All Time Low blew up that year too, Dear Maria, Count Me In became a pop punk anthem. And Alex still loved Lisa.  
She was his favourite person, without a doubt. She made him laugh the hardest, smile the biggest. He loved when it was just them in the lounge, sat practically on top of each other, supposed to be watching a movie but watching each other instead.  
He didn't mind it when she kissed him, it felt like when he kissed Jack on stage, not bad but not necessarily something that would turn him on or make him fall in love.

They were on tour again, Lisa couldn't make it but Noah could so here they were, Alex and Noah laying in Noah's bunk. Alex's head was resting on Noah's chest, Noah's hand absentmindedly playing with the smaller boy's hair.  
Noah was pretty fucking sure he'd developed feelings for Alex and usually when your crush is taken you KNOW they don't like you, but Alex was different. It didn't take a genius to work out that Alex Gaskarth liked Noah Thorne. Even though the feeling was mutual Alex was still telling himself he was straight because if you just keep telling yourself that it'll become true? Right?

2008 wasn't thrilling but 2009 was. They thought they had already peaked, nope! Nothing Personal was massive and by this point they were in the pop punk hall of fame.  
Alex was still struggling though, they met a band called You Me At Six a group of nineteen and twenty year old British kids around this time too.   
It was a Saturday night, the nine of them on the ATL bus partying. Usually these kinda nights wouldn't stay with Alex for long, but this wasn't usual.   
They were all drunk, Josh, Dan, Max and Alex sat on the floor, "No, I'm saying if ANYONE here was gay it would be Dan." Josh said.  
"I'm putting my money on Alex." Dan added, not phased by Josh's comment. He's straight and he doesn't feel the need to clarify.  
"I'm straight!" Alex defended himself slightly too much.  
"Straight as a roundabout." Max laughed, Alex elbowing him angrily.

2011 rolled around and Alex and Lisa split. It was Lisa who dumped Alex, he understood I mean, he literally wasn't attracted to her so he wasn't giving his all- he gave what he could- he was sort of glad she was gone. She'd find better.  
Alex started joking that year. And by that I mean he began making jokes about liking dick and everyone did it too. But of course it was just a joke- well kind of.  
Alex was sweaty, he'd just gotten off stage, Noah was there, side stage, waiting. He grabbed Alex's hand and they began running, down through the halls, past the dressing rooms and out a fire escape. Noah pushed Alex up against the wall and kissed his lips, Alex doing the same back. The taller boy released the other, smiling "you did so well, 'Lex." He said.  
"Barely, I do that every night, it isn't special." Alex's breathing was evening out.  
"Every night is fucking incredible Alexander." Noah laughed, kissing his cheek as they slid onto their asses with their backs against the wall and knees hugged tight to their chest.  
Alex blushed, "a bit cheesy but you're better. Always."  
"I'd marry you if I could." Noah smiled, leaning his head on Alex's shoulder.  
Alex played with his hair, "me too. But marriage is kinda stupid right now I mean, we're just two stupid friends barely half-way through our twenties." Alex could feel it, he wanted to be more than friends with Noah, not that he'd put the words to it. But he loved kissing him, cuddling him, everything. This was what he wanted forever, but he couldn't have that. He's straight. Plus gay marriage is literally illegal.  
"Mhm." Noah agreed.  
"Weird question but did you ever think you were completely straight like you didn't even think you were even the tiniest bit gay?" Alex asked, sort of cringing at saying "gay" he didn't know why, he just guessed it was because it was so censored or frowned upon when he was growing up.  
"Hell yeah, until I met you no one knew, of course I knew but that was it so I must've thought I was completely straight until like '02 ish?" He explained.  
Alex was sure he was straight.  
He loved Lisa for so long.

Their label fucked them up.  
Alex's sexuality crisis (that he refused to call one) was put on hold as he watched everyone predict the end of All Time Low.  
That night was the first time he heard Jack cry. It wasn't really crying, it was loud, choke-y sobs. He pressed his ear against the cubical door- he had came into the toilet just for a fucking piss and ended up listening to his bandmate crying??- there was choking, wet coughs. Jack was a happy guy so Alex figured, when he wasn't. He really wasn't.  
Jack could barely breathe, he didn't want this to be over, music was what he lived and breathed. He felt horrendous, he couldn't imagine a life without All Time Low. Without All Time Low there probably wouldn't even be a fucking life.

Things got better in 2012. Don't Panic brought amazing things, they were all so happy. Like little girls on Christmas. Alex's parents invited him over to celebrate the success of his newest record, so he did what any decent son does and he went. Usually he wouldn't care, dinners with his parents- staying the night, even/ weren't hard but with the looming "I broke up with who I'm supposed to marry" chat, things would be hard.  
He arrived Friday evening, Noah by his side "for moral support" he told himself. His mom ushered them in, out of the cold Baltimore fall.  
"So, who's this?" She asked as the three of them sat in the lounge, Alex's mom on one couch, the boys on the other.  
"This is my friend, Noah. He'll be my roommate soon-ish." Alex said.  
"Hi." Noah smiled.  
"So, why's Lisa not here?" His mum asked, Alex hoping that she made every assumption but that he was maybe gay.  
"We broke up, almost a year ago." He answered watching as his mom clearly felt worse than he did  
His family wanted him to marry Lisa, he knew it. They'd want a perfect son with a wife, a dog and three kids. They probably wanted him to have a white picket fence life, something he knew he wouldn't have. Hell, if he did turn out to be gay, he couldn't even get married. Because for some weird fucking reason gay people aren't normal people that get treated like everyone else according to white cishet baby boomers.   
The front door opened and Alex was greeted by what he should've been as soon as the person walked in the door. It was Lauren. She had a fiancé, a kid on the way, three cats and a normal, good job. She was his parents' despite literally just being their niece. Alex was their actual son and they were probably so fucking disappointed in him.

Alex and Noah stayed over that night, Alex in his old bed and Noah in the sofa bed. It was maybe 11pm and they were sat on Alex's bed, "do you think my parents are disappointed in me?" He asked.  
"No, why would they be? You're a mother fucking rockstar, Alex." Noah said, moving so he was closer to the other boy.  
"Noah, I," Alex paused, was he really about to say this? Yes. Yes he fucking was "I think I'm gay."  
Noah leaned over and hugged him, "And? I definitely am." He said into Alex's chest.  
"My parents wanted a kid with a white fucking picket fence life, not a gay kid. A kid like Lauren will get them praise, a kid like me will get them insulted."  
"Listen, Alex, I'll show you why this shit ain't that bad." Noah smirked, grabbing Alex's face and kissing him.  
"Okay then." Alex smiled, returning the favour.  
The sofa bed was empty that night.

Alex woke up first, he let Noah sleep in and made his way downstairs.  
“Hey Lex.” Lauren said as Alex entered the kitchen. “Where’s Lisa?”  
“We broke up, I thought mum would’ve told you. She seemed really upset about it.”  
“And you’re not?”  
“No, not really no.” He answered, truthfully.  
Lauren raised an eyebrow, “Alex are you gay?”  
“No of course I’m not!” He defended.  
“Who’s that boy you brought?”   
“Noah. My friend.”  
“Alex, you’re not 12. No one brings a friend miles to their parents’ house.”  
Fair point.  
“Where’s Noah right now?” She continued.  
“Up stairs.” Alex said, flicking the kettle on. Lauren left the room. She knew this wasn’t her business but she was curious. She walked quietly, not to wake her aunt and uncle. She got to Alex’s childhood room and opened his door a crack, peering in to see his sofa bed untouched and a skinny boy in only boxers spread across Alex’s bed.  
She always thought it but never did she truly think about what it would feel like if it was actually true. And here her cousin was. Probably happily in a relationship. That she shouldn’t know about.

All Time Low was back on tour and Noah wasn’t a girlfriend so he couldn’t go so here Alex was. Sat in the back lounge with Rian.  
“I miss Noah.” Alex sighed.  
“Alex, he’s been gone for like three days. You were better even when Lisa had been gone for months.”  
“You miss Cassadee.”  
“Yeah she’s my girlfriend.” Rian replied.  
“Well I want Noah to be my boyfriend so fuck off.” Alex didn’t even think about what he said.  
“Wait, you’re gay?” Rian asked, surprised.  
“I guess so??” Alex answered.  
“You could probably get away with inviting him on.” Rian said.  
“But no one knows and I think I’d die if anyone found out. Anyone but you, Lisa or Noah.”  
“So do they know?”   
“No, I think Noah vaguely knows. I mean it’s not like we’re just friends.”  
“What about we tell Lisa and Noah and they can help us work out how to get him on tour.” The younger suggested, the elder agreeing.  
Rian pulled out his phone and clicked on Lisa’s name and then “call”, the girl picked up straight away, “hey Ri.” She said happily.  
“Hey Lis, Alex has something to tell you.” Rian handed him the phone, his cheeks bright red as he took it.  
“I like guys.” He spat out, instantly handing the phone back. He wasn’t ready for a reaction- Rian didn’t have much of one, it was still Alex. He’d react in the same way if he’d told him his favourite animal had changed- to something he couldn’t change about himself. Something some people despised, something he wasn’t particularly fond of in his own terms.  
Rian switched his phone off and Alex’s anxiety was through the roof, “she’ll help us sort something out she said.” He told him, the other boy breathed a sigh of relief.

Noah came with them the next tour, in 2013, the Spring Fever tour.  
Alex was drunk, in some corridor of their most recent venue, with Josh Franceschi of You Me At Six.  
“I wanna ask Noah out.” Alex slurred.  
“Who’s Noah?” Josh asked.  
“Noah Thorne, he’s on Pierce The Veil’s bus right now.”  
“Ohhhh, he’s a guy?” The younger was confused, alcohol didn’t give Josh much common sense.  
“Yeah. I don’t like girls.”  
“I don’t see how you can’t, they’re so pretty. But I will help you.” He slurred, grabbing Alex’s wrist. They both started their venture to find Noah.  
They found him not long after, the loud Brit burst out with “Alex wants to date you, Noah.” Dragging out the “h”.  
“Me too, Mate.” Noah said, he was also drunk.  
Alex started crying for some reason, he was a very emotional drunk and some times that showed more than others.

Alex woke up the next morning with a hell of a hangover. He hung his thumping head over the toilet bowl. He had no clue who’s bus he was on, he couldn’t remember anything but a vague memory of crying while Noah told him he was “the best boyfriend ever” so it couldn’t have been that bad? Right?   
He was wrong. He’d outed himself to Josh. He barely even knew Josh! Hopefully he wouldn’t remember, I mean they were all blackout drunk.  
Josh wasn’t aggressive so even if he did remember he’d probably just ask him what gay anal feels like.

2014 wasn’t all that interesting, Noah and Alex moved into an apartment together and began actually telling people they were dating, of course, they weren’t telling people they knew. Just strangers. Like waiters or people in cinemas.  
Obviously this was the year Alex properly “came out to himself”, he accepted himself. He didn’t deny being gay and he didn’t refer to it as “it” or silence or censor it.

2015 was exciting to say the least, All Time Low headlined London’s Wembley Arena. It was expensive but it was worth it, their families and friends were all so proud.  
Alex watched as his parents congratulated him, knowing they might reject within the next year. They could disown him. He felt so guilty accepting their praise.

In 2016 he came out to Zack, it was the first time he actually said “I’m gay” out load rather than the way he came out to Lisa or Rian.   
He invited him over to Noah and his’ apartment, of course Zack didn’t know Noah was living with him. He’d learnt to keep secrets well over the years.  
“Hey man.” Alex smiled, letting Zack in.  
“Hi.” Zack smiled as they both walked over to the sofa, “what’s up?”  
Alex didn’t really know what to say so he just said fuck it and winged it, “I wanted you to see my boyfriend, Noah.” He gave a nervous laugh. “I’m gay.”  
Zack smiled at him and hugged him, not saying much, that comforted him. It meant Zack didn’t see him any different or hate him. He was just normal.

2017 was when he began to consider telling his parents. He was literally turning 30 that December, had been dating someone for years and his family didn’t know. Hell, barely anyone knew. He knew all about Jack, all about the crew, all about his friends but they don’t know about him.  
Also in 2017 he went to pride with Noah, of course he wore a hat and sunglasses the whole time but it was the most fun- besides Wembley- he’d ever had. He came home decked out in rainbows with Noah’s hand tight in his like it had been all day.  
He came out to Jack at the Last Young Renegade release party, the band were joking about what their significant others “owed them” for making it to 7 albums,  
Jack didn’t really have much of a reaction other than a laugh for each of them, that was until Alex mentioned his significant other. Jack thought he was single, but nope. Alex had a boyfriend and that boyfriend had been under his nose the whole time.  
Now looking back on it, how did he ever think Alex was ever straight? God, he was fucking thick.  
In 2017 he also told Lauren, she came over to wish him a happy birthday and he casually mentioned how his boyfriend was out but he’d be back soon, she wasn’t surprised but she supported him of course.

2018 was a positive year, the summer never seemed to end and while they didn’t release an album they released two singles “Everything Is Fine” and the bisexual anthem. “Birthday”.  
Alex came out to the world with a simple, caption-less Instagram post of him at pride with Noah. The first slide was just a selfie and the other was them holding hands.  
90% of the reactions were positive, he felt like he could breathe. The glass wall was gone and he was out, clear and proud.  
Alex Gaskarth was fucking gay and so fucking proud of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Should I do some Alex/Noah oneshots?


End file.
